Dear Mama

It happens more when it's quiet

When everything is standing still

Once again, I realize you're gone

I guess it'll never seem real.

There's never a day that goes by,

That I don't want to call you,

To ask you and tell you so much.

I need more moments, just a few

The last time I saw you I thought,

Maybe you were tired - so I'd leave you alone.

I left without a hug, a thought to call later,

I got too busy and never picked up the phone.

Only hours later - my world stopped spinning 

How could I have lost you again?

This time you'd be gone forever.

How could it be your end?

I look at my little boy, the

one you always called your baby

And I hurt that he won't know you.

How you loved him so completely.

I promise to tell him about you.

But only if I can.

Right now it's not something I can do.

I need you here to hold my hand.

I don't know if most realize, 

What it's like to lose a part of your soul.

Losing the one who made you,

It's your love that kept me whole

Right now I can't manage to write.

My eyes are filling with tears.

You know I can't stand that weakness.

I've got to get through this year.

I'll see you again in my dreams.

When you come to check on me.

And I'll hug you and forget,

Completely, the reality.

Mommy Wars

There seems to be a war between Mothers. We all judge each other so harshly. The jr. high cattiness is still pervasive among women, except it is dressed up with pretty words on blogs. I see so many posts (usually by the self-proclaimed "natural" mamas) that ooze judgement on the rest of us that don't choose the road they have chosen. I'm all for a Woman's Right to Choose. I have my own opinions, and if you ask for them, I'll hand them out readily, because I do love hearing how smart I sound, even if I don't...in reality..and I seldom do. I'm not going to shove it down your throat and try to make you feel bad for what you choose, because LAWD knows that someone out there will cringe with the choices that I've made and will continue to make. I say we end the Mommy Wars. We all need to support each other.

1. Breast is Best. Yes, I do believe this. I nursed my child for 19 months and I am damn proud of it as I should be. It's not an easy feat and I DID IT. Pat me on the back. However; if you choose to use formula it is none of my damn business, now is it?
2. Disposable Diapers - Used 'em. Loved 'em. Will continue to use 'em. I do not have enough time to worry with my carbon foot print or the extra loads of laundry. PLEASE for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY quit shoving the damn things down my throat.
3. Home/Natural Birth - Yes, I realize that our bodies were designed to birth babies and I sometimes I wonder if I should have tried instead of instantly jumping for the epi. But, I didn't. Not sure if I really would have. Back labor pains are like someone taking an ax to your lower back every two minutes. F THAT SH*IT. I know less meds = better for baby. I am not stupid. My kid is just fine though, no extra head.
4. Organic/Home grown Food - Once again, it comes down to time and money. I work full time. No extra hours in the day to tend to a garden because I am busy running around after a toddler or trying to keep my house from looking like Chernobyl. Organic is just a $$$ issue, plus my child takes offense at anything healthy but fruit.
5. Working vs. Stay at home mothers - We know your job is hard. We know this man. We work 40+ hours a week, while tending a house, and making sure the rug rats stay alive and dealing with a husband. That's hard too lady, so leave your judgement at home about how you could NEVER do that to your children. We generally have no choice, got it?
6. No BPA...or any other chemicals - DEAR LAWD. I know this stuff is bad for my child. For me. My husband. What the hell do you want me to do? Have us live in a bubble, where we only have cloth diapers to wear and organic food to eat? Would that appease your incessant babbling?

I must stop myself. This has become a rant against those self-possessed mothers who do not have the ability to look outside their glass house.

Really. I don't judge. Too much.

Thank you Jill Conner Browne for extoling your infinite wisdom.

If you haven't read The Sweet Potato Queens Books of Love , you must run out immediately and get it. Or order it online. Or borrow if from a friend. I don't care. Just do it. It will change your life or at least make your laugh your ass off. You'll love me for it. I swear! I really shouldn't swear. Southern ladies don't swear. Good thing I'm not a lady in any way, shape, form or fashion. My mama and grandmother just don't know where they went wrong. Enjoy the teaser below!

“There are five different kinds of men you must endeavor to have in your life at all times in order to have the equivalent of one completely satisfactory man…[because] it is clearly not possible to find all the required attributes in one single man, and we should not expend needless energy by even looking for him…

The Basic Five are these:

1. A man who can fix things.
2. A man you can dance with.
3. A man who can pay for things.
4. A man you can talk to.
5. A man to have great sex with.

 "This is the rudimentary team you need to form… certainly other functions can be added to suit your more refined tastes, but with this starting lineup, you can at least avoid abject misery.”

Who am I?

 I am not here. I'm not listening. I'm in my head and I'm spinning. (Fallen - 30 Seconds to Mars)

1. I was born and raised in Clarksdale, MS, home of the blues.

2. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I think it's a blessing that I don't remember.

3. I went to private school my K4-12, the public schools were too dangerous.

4. I grew up in the Whiscopalian church...err...the Episcopalian church.

5. I've  been harboring a love for hard rock music. Sorry, Baptists.

6. I'm a closet liberal and I married a crazy conservative who believes Fox News is THE WORD.

7. I was electrocuted when I was 11 months old, luckily the shoes I had on saved my life.

8. I love to write, but I am too scared to fail, so I don't.

9. I love my son more than I could have imagined possible.

10. I live to read.

11. My ability to be alone and be ok is beyond what is normal.

12. I was born with nature's prozac running through my veins, except when it comes to my son.

13. I've been held at gun point, in the middle of the day for $7.

14. That's why I have a gun in my car.

15. I've gone to school in Spain and spent a couple of months in Costa Rica. I would move to either of those places in a heartbeat, if possible.

16. I love my friends fiercely and get angry when they are wronged, more so than my ownself.

17. I sometimes wish I could get back together with an old boyfriend, if only to smile at him sweetly and punch him in the face.Hard.

18. I talk big, but southern breeding always wins out. Damn it.

19. I love coffee.

20. And chocolate.

It's Friday, y'all

1. I do have a job.
2. I have tons of sh*t to do.
3. I don't smoke weed.

But, this clip is classic and it pops into my head every Friday.

According to the media, I am a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad person.

1. I don't recycle.
2. I use paper towels
3. I use disposable diapers.
4. I let my child watch t.v.
5. I let my child eat sugar and fast food on occasion.

But, I do ONE thing right.

I hug and kiss my baby everyday and tell him I love him.

Mis libros favoritos

1. The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy
2. The Idiot Girl's Action Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
3. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
4. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
5. How to Heal the Hurt by Hating by Anita Liberty
6. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

It is truly hard to pick my favorite books, and the list probably changes month to month since most of my nights revolve around reading, but these 6 are ones that have stayed with me and will stay with me forever. Some people push drugs, I push books, so if you wonder why I like them, read them and find your own lessons, joy and heartache in each one.

Dream a little dream.

You still show up in my dreams

For unknown reasons

 I don't know I'm thinking of you

It's like it never stopped

There you are

I see you

But I can't get to you

Or if I do

You don't talk to me

Or maybe you tell me you still love me

Even though I know it's wrong

I still say yes

I still love you too

But I don't.

Only in my dreams

Still you are there

Haunting me

Because at one time

I loved you too much

You didn't feel the same

Although I could tell

that you wanted to.

It makes me wonder

If you still

Dream

Of

Me.

Billy Pilgrim take me back in time so I can tell myself...

1. Cutting your Chihuahua's hair is not a good idea and will result in your one and only spanking.
2. When you are 7 and 19 you'll have the desire to get a perm. Don't do it. You will look like a deranged lion.
3. When you are 16 there will be a cocky boy who is not worth your time. He'll drop you like a bad habit and take off with another girl.
4. Spend more time with your girlfriends in high school AND college.
5. You'll spend 6 years of your life with someone, and that's fine. Go ahead. Some lessons you need to learn.
6. If he's a older, a cross between Matthew McConaughey and Paul Newman,  run and run FAST. He's another one that will rip your heart out and stomp that fu*ker flat.
7. Jager bombs are never a good idea, no matter what your friends say.
8. Never waste time missing someone. If they are worth it, then they will be waiting. If not, then you'll find that out soon.
9. Don't be a doormat. Be a bitch. Because you can.
10. When you graduate from university, go immediately to graduate school. Do not pass go until this is done.
11. Enjoy every opportunity you are given, they don't come along so often and you are a lucky girl.
12. Freaking relax already. Worry does you no good, except make you sick.
13. Hug your Mama every chance you get.

It's the South, y'all.

1. It's not all sweet tea and mint juleps down here.....we also like bbq.
2. We aren't stupid. Or slow.  It's hot as hell and humid as a wet blanket in a dryer. It slows a person down.
3. We DO wear shoes. I swear. Have been for quite some time - at least 5 years.
4. It's not Mississippi Burning down here, no matter what the media wants you to believe.
5. We are as nice to visitors as they say, we can't help it, it's a compulsion.
6. We will call you a Yankee if you hail from above the Mason-Dixon line. We don't mean nuthin' by it.
7. We have air-conditioning. It's imperitive for us to live and breathe between April-October. (We don't glisten on the front porches, under ceiling fans like Ashley Judd in a Time to Kill.)
8. Football is a religion -  believe it, live it, breath it. And dress your child in your SEC school colors.
9. Don't mess with a Mississippi girl, she may look all sweet and innocent on the outside, but she probably has a gun in her purse and knows how to use it.

Memories....like the dusty corners of my mind.

Metal sliding boards...the 80's version of microdermabrasion for the thighs.

Riding a bike without a helmet and no one cared.

 Rotary dial telelphone. Having to start over after my excitement to make a call tripped up my fingers.

Scrunchies, slap bracelets, Garbage pail Kids (which I was never allowed to have).

Getting my nickname...Punky Brewster

Feathered bangs

Jordache Jeans

Eating banana popsicles with my mama

Michael Jackson's BAD album

Seeing Terminator 2 at the theater and falling in love with Edward Furlong

Riding around all day Saturdays with my girlfriends blasting Coolio

Watching Friday afraid of getting caught.

Sharing a 6 pack of wine coolers on the backroads

Getting my own cell phone at the ripe old age of 20

Drinking beer at the Refuge

Saturday night, dollar night at Rick's

Graduation

Work

Baby

Marriage

Mortgage

Being an adult sucks.
But I love it.

30 Seconds to Foo Fighters: A lyrical puzzle.

Were you born to resist or be abused?

I swear I’ll never give in

I refuse.

I tried to be someone else.

But nothing seemed to change.

I know now this is who I really am inside.

Finally found myself. Fighting for a chance.

I know now, This is who I really am inside

We were the Kings and Queens of Promise

We were the victims of ourselves.

My intentions never change.

What I want just stays the same.

And I know what I should do.

It’s time to set myself on fire.

I’m never alone. I’m alone all the time.

Honest to God, I will break your heart.

Tear you to pieces and rip you apart.

Run away, Run away I’ll attack

Run away, Run away, Go chase yourself

**Not my words. All song lyrics belong to either Foo Fighters, Bush or 30 Seconds to Mars. I just really like them and made them into my own poem.**

Stupid Hair and Warped Reality

Thank you Firehouse for giving me a Cinderella complex at the age of 11. Relationships are nothing like you led me to believe.

1. "Every time we kiss our love is like brand-new." What?!?! Who are you kidding?

2. "We know that we will be together because our love is strong." BA HA HA. Say that again after she cheats on you with your drummer.

3. "We know our dreams will all come true with loving we can share." What the hell does that even mean? Love conquers all? That's just bull shit.

4. "Ohh, forever in my heart, I've finally found the love of a lifetime." It's forever, until you get sick of each other and live in silent hatred.

5. Even the love of a lifetime won't change the fact that you have stupid hair.

When I was 15, you churned out this little gem and solidified my warped sense of what can be expected from the heart of a man.



Ode to Wyatt..

Last night I got kicked in the face, by a tiny little man.
It was a surprise attack, and zoom, off he ran.
But not before he slapped my face, followed by a maniacal laugh.
He knocked over the garbage can and growled, proving his wrath.
He demanded that I feed him and proceeded to make a mess.
The floor ate more than he did, and most ended up on my dress.
He lifted his arms, as if to say, “Come on! Pick me up!”
I obeyed, my reward, a swift kick in the stomach.
On the floor he sat, but he was not still for too long.
He crawled onto the dog who (I could tell) felt he was wronged.
Next he targeted the hallway, trailing destruction in his wake.
I tried to minimize the damage, but it was more than I could take.
I heard his rumblings and the clatter of things being thrown around.
I heard the squeals of delight as he marveled in the items he’d found.
He sounded like a caveman would, a modern missing link.
I arrived just in time before he escaped under the sink.
I grabbed his chubby little legs and gently brought him out.
I used all my strength, just to lift him, as this tiny man was stout.
He rubbed his eyes, gave a great big yawn, and laid his head upon my shoulder.
For a moment, a little moment, I wished that he would never grow older.
Moments like these are poignant reminders of just how fast time goes.
Then he pulled my hair, poked me in the eye and put his thumb up my nose

What I wish I could do..

1. Learn to fight.  I don't want to get into street fights, no, but I would like to be able to kick some ass if I had to.
2. Speak another language fluently. I have a degree in Spanish. It might as well be a degree in breadmaking.
3. Win the lottery.
4. Move to Europe for a year. Or 10.
5. Finish a round of P90x.
6. Sew.
7. Decipher toddler speak.
8. Fly a fighter jet. Really. I would love to do this.
9. Sing. And do it well.
10. Actually listen to someone else without spacing out for half of the conversation.

This is in no pertickler order of importance and doesn't encompass everything I wish I could do. Just what popped into my head at this random moment. I have many random thoughts, but that's a whole 'nother topic.

Feature Creatures of Facebook (and also great band names!)

1. The Complainers - Yes, you have something to bitch about. We know. Every. Day. You let us know. Every. Day.
2. The Stalkers - Do you have to comment on everything I say, unnamed relative(s)? 
3. The Whiners - Poor, poor pitiful you. We feel so sorry for you. Not really.
4. The Bible Thumpers - Your hourly bible verses/end of the world status updates will not save my soul.
5. The Pious Mamas - Yes, you breastfed for 10 years, only feed your child organic, vegan, whole foods with no dairy or gluten or casein, you are so awesome you never even used CLOTH diapers because you managed to potty train at birth using sign language - a birth that was at home and unmedicated, by the way. Thank you for the daily reminders of your perfection. 
6. The Angry Drunk - You seem to need a "cold" one or 20 everyday and your angry, racist ramblings only remind me that you need rehab and I need to block you.
7. The Quote Master - Find your own words. An occasional quote is great. Ten a day? Overkill.
8. The Lovers - I wish I was as in love as you are. Really. You must have the most wonderful spouse/partner/significant other in the world. Very interesting. But, it's not.
9. The Guy who can't get a date and can't figure out why - You're crazy and weird dude. Get a clue and a grip.
10. The Parents - Yes, your child is wonderful, funny, cute, smart and all of the above times 10. We don't...wait a minute. I just described myself. Never mind.

***Everyone is guilty of most of these during their Facebook tenure. No offense is meant. But......there are some people who personify these creatures on a daily basis.***

Some days I wish I could...

Sing like Amy Lee. AH-MAY-ZING.

Other days, it's more like..... Eva Cassidy - Pure Sweetness.





But, then again...if I am wishing....

This is what I should've done...

Before I had my son.

1. Spent my free time indulging in sleep. And more sleep.
2. Appreciated my time alone in the bathroom.
3. Pulled up all the carpet, hard wood, and tile. Then replaced it with thick, gymnastic mats.
4. Sold all of my furniture, only to replace it with bean bags, which I would keep covered in plastic.
5. Patronized all of my favorite restaurants. In peace. On a regular basis.
6. Enjoyed life without fear of being "pantsed" while doing the dishes.
7. Realized I actually had a good figure. (I'll never see that again. Do bones HAVE to grow like that?)
8. Slept late on weekends. (I believe this merits mentioning twice).
9. Relished my state of being less wrinkled and grey headed. Parenting is so scary.
10. Kept my mouth shut about things I would never do when I had children.