Mommy Wars

There seems to be a war between Mothers. We all judge each other so harshly. The jr. high cattiness is still pervasive among women, except it is dressed up with pretty words on blogs. I see so many posts (usually by the self-proclaimed "natural" mamas) that ooze judgement on the rest of us that don't choose the road they have chosen. I'm all for a Woman's Right to Choose. I have my own opinions, and if you ask for them, I'll hand them out readily, because I do love hearing how smart I sound, even if I don't...in reality..and I seldom do. I'm not going to shove it down your throat and try to make you feel bad for what you choose, because LAWD knows that someone out there will cringe with the choices that I've made and will continue to make. I say we end the Mommy Wars. We all need to support each other.

1. Breast is Best. Yes, I do believe this. I nursed my child for 19 months and I am damn proud of it as I should be. It's not an easy feat and I DID IT. Pat me on the back. However; if you choose to use formula it is none of my damn business, now is it?
2. Disposable Diapers - Used 'em. Loved 'em. Will continue to use 'em. I do not have enough time to worry with my carbon foot print or the extra loads of laundry. PLEASE for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY quit shoving the damn things down my throat.
3. Home/Natural Birth - Yes, I realize that our bodies were designed to birth babies and I sometimes I wonder if I should have tried instead of instantly jumping for the epi. But, I didn't. Not sure if I really would have. Back labor pains are like someone taking an ax to your lower back every two minutes. F THAT SH*IT. I know less meds = better for baby. I am not stupid. My kid is just fine though, no extra head.
4. Organic/Home grown Food - Once again, it comes down to time and money. I work full time. No extra hours in the day to tend to a garden because I am busy running around after a toddler or trying to keep my house from looking like Chernobyl. Organic is just a $$$ issue, plus my child takes offense at anything healthy but fruit.
5. Working vs. Stay at home mothers - We know your job is hard. We know this man. We work 40+ hours a week, while tending a house, and making sure the rug rats stay alive and dealing with a husband. That's hard too lady, so leave your judgement at home about how you could NEVER do that to your children. We generally have no choice, got it?
6. No BPA...or any other chemicals - DEAR LAWD. I know this stuff is bad for my child. For me. My husband. What the hell do you want me to do? Have us live in a bubble, where we only have cloth diapers to wear and organic food to eat? Would that appease your incessant babbling?

I must stop myself. This has become a rant against those self-possessed mothers who do not have the ability to look outside their glass house.

Really. I don't judge. Too much.

Thank you Jill Conner Browne for extoling your infinite wisdom.

If you haven't read The Sweet Potato Queens Books of Love , you must run out immediately and get it. Or order it online. Or borrow if from a friend. I don't care. Just do it. It will change your life or at least make your laugh your ass off. You'll love me for it. I swear! I really shouldn't swear. Southern ladies don't swear. Good thing I'm not a lady in any way, shape, form or fashion. My mama and grandmother just don't know where they went wrong. Enjoy the teaser below!

“There are five different kinds of men you must endeavor to have in your life at all times in order to have the equivalent of one completely satisfactory man…[because] it is clearly not possible to find all the required attributes in one single man, and we should not expend needless energy by even looking for him…

The Basic Five are these:

1. A man who can fix things.
2. A man you can dance with.
3. A man who can pay for things.
4. A man you can talk to.
5. A man to have great sex with.

 "This is the rudimentary team you need to form… certainly other functions can be added to suit your more refined tastes, but with this starting lineup, you can at least avoid abject misery.”

Who am I?

 I am not here. I'm not listening. I'm in my head and I'm spinning. (Fallen - 30 Seconds to Mars)

1. I was born and raised in Clarksdale, MS, home of the blues.

2. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I think it's a blessing that I don't remember.

3. I went to private school my K4-12, the public schools were too dangerous.

4. I grew up in the Whiscopalian church...err...the Episcopalian church.

5. I've  been harboring a love for hard rock music. Sorry, Baptists.

6. I'm a closet liberal and I married a crazy conservative who believes Fox News is THE WORD.

7. I was electrocuted when I was 11 months old, luckily the shoes I had on saved my life.

8. I love to write, but I am too scared to fail, so I don't.

9. I love my son more than I could have imagined possible.

10. I live to read.

11. My ability to be alone and be ok is beyond what is normal.

12. I was born with nature's prozac running through my veins, except when it comes to my son.

13. I've been held at gun point, in the middle of the day for $7.

14. That's why I have a gun in my car.

15. I've gone to school in Spain and spent a couple of months in Costa Rica. I would move to either of those places in a heartbeat, if possible.

16. I love my friends fiercely and get angry when they are wronged, more so than my ownself.

17. I sometimes wish I could get back together with an old boyfriend, if only to smile at him sweetly and punch him in the face.Hard.

18. I talk big, but southern breeding always wins out. Damn it.

19. I love coffee.

20. And chocolate.

It's Friday, y'all

1. I do have a job.
2. I have tons of sh*t to do.
3. I don't smoke weed.

But, this clip is classic and it pops into my head every Friday.

According to the media, I am a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad person.

1. I don't recycle.
2. I use paper towels
3. I use disposable diapers.
4. I let my child watch t.v.
5. I let my child eat sugar and fast food on occasion.

But, I do ONE thing right.

I hug and kiss my baby everyday and tell him I love him.

Mis libros favoritos

1. The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy
2. The Idiot Girl's Action Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro
3. East of Eden by John Steinbeck
4. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
5. How to Heal the Hurt by Hating by Anita Liberty
6. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

It is truly hard to pick my favorite books, and the list probably changes month to month since most of my nights revolve around reading, but these 6 are ones that have stayed with me and will stay with me forever. Some people push drugs, I push books, so if you wonder why I like them, read them and find your own lessons, joy and heartache in each one.

Dream a little dream.

You still show up in my dreams

For unknown reasons

 I don't know I'm thinking of you

It's like it never stopped

There you are

I see you

But I can't get to you

Or if I do

You don't talk to me

Or maybe you tell me you still love me

Even though I know it's wrong

I still say yes

I still love you too

But I don't.

Only in my dreams

Still you are there

Haunting me

Because at one time

I loved you too much

You didn't feel the same

Although I could tell

that you wanted to.

It makes me wonder

If you still

Dream

Of

Me.

Billy Pilgrim take me back in time so I can tell myself...

1. Cutting your Chihuahua's hair is not a good idea and will result in your one and only spanking.
2. When you are 7 and 19 you'll have the desire to get a perm. Don't do it. You will look like a deranged lion.
3. When you are 16 there will be a cocky boy who is not worth your time. He'll drop you like a bad habit and take off with another girl.
4. Spend more time with your girlfriends in high school AND college.
5. You'll spend 6 years of your life with someone, and that's fine. Go ahead. Some lessons you need to learn.
6. If he's a older, a cross between Matthew McConaughey and Paul Newman,  run and run FAST. He's another one that will rip your heart out and stomp that fu*ker flat.
7. Jager bombs are never a good idea, no matter what your friends say.
8. Never waste time missing someone. If they are worth it, then they will be waiting. If not, then you'll find that out soon.
9. Don't be a doormat. Be a bitch. Because you can.
10. When you graduate from university, go immediately to graduate school. Do not pass go until this is done.
11. Enjoy every opportunity you are given, they don't come along so often and you are a lucky girl.
12. Freaking relax already. Worry does you no good, except make you sick.
13. Hug your Mama every chance you get.

It's the South, y'all.

1. It's not all sweet tea and mint juleps down here.....we also like bbq.
2. We aren't stupid. Or slow.  It's hot as hell and humid as a wet blanket in a dryer. It slows a person down.
3. We DO wear shoes. I swear. Have been for quite some time - at least 5 years.
4. It's not Mississippi Burning down here, no matter what the media wants you to believe.
5. We are as nice to visitors as they say, we can't help it, it's a compulsion.
6. We will call you a Yankee if you hail from above the Mason-Dixon line. We don't mean nuthin' by it.
7. We have air-conditioning. It's imperitive for us to live and breathe between April-October. (We don't glisten on the front porches, under ceiling fans like Ashley Judd in a Time to Kill.)
8. Football is a religion -  believe it, live it, breath it. And dress your child in your SEC school colors.
9. Don't mess with a Mississippi girl, she may look all sweet and innocent on the outside, but she probably has a gun in her purse and knows how to use it.